attempting to embrace uncertainty in the face of potential bliss or disaster

I am in the Uncertainty Stage. According to John Gray, the author of Mars and Venus on a Date, in addition to the original, well-known work, once you move past initial Attraction, you enter into Uncertainty. I realized this this morning when I had coffee with man I have been seeing. Obsessive thoughts materialized out of thin air. About him and my future and our possible collective future, and our kids (for Heaven's sake!). When I began planning how I would landscape the house he wants to buy, I realized I was headed for danger.

I was searching for some filament of sense in this chaotic cranial pinball game, when a phrase from the Mars and Venus book popped into my mind machine. It was just what these thoughts needed to rest themselves upon: The Stage of Uncertainty.

You see, it has only been three months since the end of my last relationship. I knew that moving on was the best thing for both of us, but the fracture of my heart and of this hopeful spirit that I try to carry with me, still took place. I don't think it matters how long, or how deeply you loved. It always, always hurts when it finally comes to an end.

And now, three months after he left my doorstep and drove away in his white Subaru, trying to buckle his seat belt and not look at my house as he sped off, there is a very different man standing there. He is knocking for me to let him in; so he can take me to dinner, or to a movie, or for a hike. And I enjoy my time with him. Immensely. The obsessive brain marbles are still for the four hours of our date and I relax into the present. It is only the next day, when I wake up, that the panic sets in. What if I am leading him on and I don't realize it? What if he isn't the right one? What if he ends up breaking my heart like D*** did? It's crazy, truly it is.

I talked to my friends and their take was: Take a deep breath. Give yourself space. Let yourself be confused now and then. Show yourself kindness, because you are taking a big leap here: You are daring to love again.

One friend said this: "You are detoxing now from your heartbreak. Fears are going to pop up, panic might set in, pain may surface, but this is the time to let that occur. Let that happen. It doesn't mean he is not the man for you, and it doesn't mean he is. Use this time to let the detoxing occur without placing judgment on the relationship."

And so it is at the Uncertainty Stage that I am allowing myself to rest. Gray not only says that it is OK to be uncertain, but asserts that to skip this stage is a mistake. I think I skipped it in my last relationship, and so we kept returning to it. I need to remember to breathe, to be present where I am, to not rush ahead or make up things in the future that don't exist. And finally, to be honest with him, to laugh at myself, and above all, to show compassion for this little, damaged, hopeful heart.