attempting to embrace uncertainty in the face of potential bliss or disaster

I am in the Uncertainty Stage. According to John Gray, the author of Mars and Venus on a Date, in addition to the original, well-known work, once you move past initial Attraction, you enter into Uncertainty. I realized this this morning when I had coffee with man I have been seeing. Obsessive thoughts materialized out of thin air. About him and my future and our possible collective future, and our kids (for Heaven's sake!). When I began planning how I would landscape the house he wants to buy, I realized I was headed for danger.

I was searching for some filament of sense in this chaotic cranial pinball game, when a phrase from the Mars and Venus book popped into my mind machine. It was just what these thoughts needed to rest themselves upon: The Stage of Uncertainty.

You see, it has only been three months since the end of my last relationship. I knew that moving on was the best thing for both of us, but the fracture of my heart and of this hopeful spirit that I try to carry with me, still took place. I don't think it matters how long, or how deeply you loved. It always, always hurts when it finally comes to an end.

And now, three months after he left my doorstep and drove away in his white Subaru, trying to buckle his seat belt and not look at my house as he sped off, there is a very different man standing there. He is knocking for me to let him in; so he can take me to dinner, or to a movie, or for a hike. And I enjoy my time with him. Immensely. The obsessive brain marbles are still for the four hours of our date and I relax into the present. It is only the next day, when I wake up, that the panic sets in. What if I am leading him on and I don't realize it? What if he isn't the right one? What if he ends up breaking my heart like D*** did? It's crazy, truly it is.

I talked to my friends and their take was: Take a deep breath. Give yourself space. Let yourself be confused now and then. Show yourself kindness, because you are taking a big leap here: You are daring to love again.

One friend said this: "You are detoxing now from your heartbreak. Fears are going to pop up, panic might set in, pain may surface, but this is the time to let that occur. Let that happen. It doesn't mean he is not the man for you, and it doesn't mean he is. Use this time to let the detoxing occur without placing judgment on the relationship."

And so it is at the Uncertainty Stage that I am allowing myself to rest. Gray not only says that it is OK to be uncertain, but asserts that to skip this stage is a mistake. I think I skipped it in my last relationship, and so we kept returning to it. I need to remember to breathe, to be present where I am, to not rush ahead or make up things in the future that don't exist. And finally, to be honest with him, to laugh at myself, and above all, to show compassion for this little, damaged, hopeful heart.

The Beginning of... (part one)

So I wasn't even sure if I wanted to write about this date in particular. This date, which next to the others basically launched into another hemisphere. Part of me is so giddy, so morning-after, so pinch-me-I-must-be-dreaming, that I was going to avoid writing about it altogether. But, no. I had a good date, dammit, and I want to write it down. These don't come too often. This was not a blind date. Perhaps that is why it was so wonderful, or at least, had the potential for wonderful. I had not been particularly interested until AFTER I had gone out with The Narcissist and Music Buddy. Beginning Guy is someone I see fairly regularly, and he had been suggested to me by several mutual friends as a possible date. But I just didn't see it. I was at that place of already beginning to feel discouraged and tired by this experiment, when he walked in the door. It was one of those moments when feelings surface that you can't explain. All I knew was that he was a sight for sore eyes. And so, after a week of stalking him and slightly obsessing, I gave him my number. Oh-so-casually, on a sticky note. And he called the very same night.

I won't include many background details, since I don't want to blow my chances with a wonderful man. So, I will focus on myself in the situation and the positive things he did throughout the night and definitely made me sit up and pay attention...the way I felt when I was with him, the things he did and said that have caused this morning-after haze. (Warning, this may be a chore: My mind and body were fairly buzzing with giddiness from the moment he came to my door until he took me back home again. And the wine had -very little- to do with it.) Seriously, my mind was like mush. I am in retrospect amazed that there was any intellectual conversation going on at all.

We had decided that he would pick the place for dinner and a drink or dessert afterward. When he came to my door, I asked how he was and he said (he had just returned from a camping trip),"Tired and wound up at the same time." Naturally, I thought that was adorable,(that began a disturbing trend) and we hugged in greeting.

He opened my door for me and said, "I just wanted to tell you that you look really nice." So sweet! I am going to spare the details. If you want a blow-by-blow, give me a call. Or stop by my house. But, here's the bottom line: I like him.

I like the way I feel when I am with him: light, and giddy, but then at the same time very much myself. As the evening progressed, I felt more and more relaxed. It was almost as if this wasn't a first date; it was like I was spending time with someone I care about, someone I already know. As opposed to someone I am just getting to know. (This might be laying it on thick, but, well, deal.)

We went into a toy shop as we walked along Pearl Street, and we explored and played. We got lost in the colors and squishy things and propellers. I kept trying to get hand-spinning propeller going, to get it to fly. And every time it hit the ground, he picked it up for me to try again. I liked that. I never once felt like I should be embarrassed or not good enough, or that I needed to apologize for something. (Even when my propeller, which finally took flight, wacked the salesperson in the face.)

He has a childlike innocence. I like that he doesn't even realize how attractive he is. I like him now, for many of the reasons I wasn't interested before. I keep calling him 'basic,' which to me isn't negative. (After all, that is what John Cusack is accused of on his first date that led toward true love in Say Anything.)

The end of the night went well, with enough of the end of the first date awkwardness thrown in. We talked about a pub we both like. He asked about my schedule. We sat in his car with the motor off, and to avoid the awkwardness, I went for the hug, and thanked him for a nice time. Another hug, he promised to call, and that was the date.

STAY TUNED
Will there be another date? Should I reply to the Music Buddy's request to go out? As a maverick in the world of dating more than one person at a time, I don't know what to do. Honestly, I don't know if I WANT to do that. It's not like Beginning guy has promised anything, or that I can peer into our future. I still need to keep my options open, right? But today I had the chance to see a guy I have been wanting to give my number to, and instead, I just went home. My mind was too full of Beginning guy. So, does this mean I end all other dating? I don't like the idea of really liking someone and then going out with someone else. But then again, isn't that part of dating? I would soo appreciate your feedback, experience, etc. Until next time.

DATE #2 - Music Buddy

First off, I want to THANK you for reading this. If you are reading this blog, you are a) a friend a invited b) a facebook friend or c) someone who blindly stumbled here. WELCOME!! Keep the comments coming.


Second date went well...


He is a goofy, eyeglass-wearing, crooked teeth (which I couldn't help staring at. I grew up in a home where aggressive orthodontia was a religion.) shorter than average, Doc Marten-wearing guy. He seemed familiar, but more like familiar because we are both from Pennsylvania and we both play guitar.

We met at a sandwich place, and when I got there, he was already waiting in line. He went for the handshake, I went for the hug. I'm not sure why. Anyway, he PAID for lunch. That was huge...then, went outside to eat he held open the door...my salad was wrong, and he jumped up to take care of it. Awesome.

After an hour of chatting about Philly, music and careers, I realized that there was no chemistry, but we enjoyed an hour of getting to know someone new.

DATE #1 - The Narcissist

To kick off my dating experiment, I met with a guy who decided to really give me an earful. This is what I heard:

I......
I really think.....
This is really important to me:
I believe......
So, that's about it.
(Oh, and I probably should point out once again how incredibly intelligent I am.)


Yes, my friends, allow me to introduce you to The Narcissist. Why is it, dear reader, that this type of male thinks it necessary to give an oratory of his pursuits, his passions, his beliefs, before asking me one question about myself?

According to the book "Mars and Venus on a Date," women share and men advertise. This may be true. But the rub exists where men want to put their best foot forward, which you want to stuff in his mouth. Shhhhh...okay, that's quite enough, thank you. Really, I do believe you when you say that Global Cooling, not Global Warming is occurring. I think that is rather interesting that you think America is in economic and social decline. But really, is this information necessary to share on a first date? Is there anything gained, except the reinforcement of your own beliefs? Am I am even a part of this conversation, or would a tree or a complying drone suffice?

What do I look for on a first date?

- I watch and intuit body language. It is not so much what the guy says, but how he says it.

- I listen for questions. Does he know that I need him to ask about me? And how thoughtful are his questions?

- Is there a spark, a reason for me to keep talking to him? Or do I want to run ten minutes in?

- Is he trying to make me interested? In other words, is he flirting?

- Do I feel like he is really listening and wants to know more about me when I am speaking? Or do I sense that he is just waiting for the chance for him to answer his own question?

- Do I want to know more about him?

An hour and a half in and I was done. He did ask me some questions, but the entire time I felt like I didn't even need to be there; that I was a warm body he could pontificate his theories to. This left me, honestly, frustrated, resenting the time I wasted. But, I supposed this is the stuff of good research.

Stay tuned! Thursday is Date #2: Teteflix. A very silly guy of 38 who commands his readers to take nothing of what he says seriously. A refreshing turn.


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Poll Question: What first date qualities do you look for that might make you go for a second?

The Experiment

A Prologue

After a 5 month relationship, and 33 years of singledom, pitiful blind dates, fix-ups, the occasional pick-up, online dating, and then the recent finale of friend-of-a-friend which was a five month journey toward the inevitable, (dramatic pause)I find myself in that age-old place again. Single. Two months after aforementioned breakup, and I sit in front of my computer. Wondering. I have wondered aloud to my roommates enough, have cried enough tears to my pillow, and if I had a dog, she would have since developed an allergy to my whining voice. No, it is time to DOCUMENT. To document, and to ACT.

So, here I sit. In the pink armchair my roommate dragged from behind the FREE sign across the street, staring at an 18th century unplayable piano that just won't go away. (Seriously, the owner just has better things to do than come and pick it up.) I am in the same place (singledom) but it looks and feels different. You know, like the dream where everything is familiar but your house is now blue instead of white, and your room is squidgy and green and for some reason the floor is crooked and you have to duck to get through the door (Oh, wait, I think that's Alice in Wonderland) Anyhoo, there are people there, all standing around and grinning at you and you have no idea who these people are, except that deep down you know you have known them all your life. Somehow. Anyway, it's like that.


The Experiment

I have decided to begin this blog as a way to chronicle my daring feat of wonder that is the indefatigable search for THE ONE. Oh, he is out there, yes he is. That I am sure of. (This is a change.) The experiment is not about finding THE ONE. This experiment has me in mind, yes, but also YOU. This is where YOU come in. I want to involve you in this process. Whether you are male, female, straight, gay, married or single...we have everyone one of us been through some sort of dating scheme. Some have worked, some have flopped. And I want your input!





The Hypothesis

Using the convenience of online dating sites, I will secure two dates each week during the month of August. By the end of the month, the outcome will be such that I will be able to name which guy I would like to see again, and to complete a total anatomy of what I desire in a man. In other words, I will be able to create a total picture. Communication style, looks, passions, goals, desires, etc. My idea is to somehow create a diagram complete with labels that will express these qualities. Yes, she said, a diagram!! (This is not to create the perfect man, but is more about self-discovery. Although, let's face it...)

The plan is to write about each date after it happens. I will give each date an hour and a half, at a coffee shop.

Disclaimer: As you can see, I am taking the whole dating thing a bit less than serious. However, I am treating this as a way to practice the art of dating. I am of the belief that there are too many single men and women who possess less than par dating skills that keep them from finding a relationship.

STAY TUNED! (This is gonna be fun...or at the very least, will give you a good belly laugh.)